40 As Useless As Sayings: British Edition

The as useless as saying is, for all practical purposes, a British export. It requires understatement, a fondness for objects, and a national habit of pointing out that something has failed without ever saying so directly. Other countries have insults. This is a country that invented a way of calling something worthless by discussing a teapot.

Forty below, drawn from weather, transport, tea and the specific misery of a bank holiday car park.

Table of Contents

Forty from home

As useless as a chocolate teapot in a heatwave.
As useless as an ashtray on a milk float.
As useless as a sunroof on a submarine.
As useless as a windbreak in a hurricane.
As useless as a deckchair in a gale at Skegness.
As useless as a barbecue in April.
As useless as a beer garden with no roof in Manchester.
As useless as a chocolate fireguard.
As useless as a teapot with no spout at a vicarage.
As useless as a biscuit tin full of sewing kit.
As useless as a tin of Quality Street in February.
As useless as a bank holiday forecast.
As useless as a car park at a beauty spot on a bank holiday.
As useless as an umbrella in horizontal rain.
As useless as a wasp in a jam factory.
As useless as a hosepipe during a hosepipe ban.
As useless as a lawnmower in a drought.
As useless as a snow shovel in Cornwall.
As useless as a gritter in July.
As useless as a rail replacement bus with no timetable.

As useless as a leaf on the line excuse in February.
As useless as a queue with no visible front.
As useless as a polite cough in a crowded pub.
As useless as a Sorry that means Move.
As useless as a cup of tea with the milk in first at a stranger’s house.
As useless as a kettle in a hotel room with two sachets and no teaspoon.
As useless as a garden shed with the mower and no room to stand.
As useless as a conservatory in January.
As useless as double glazing with one window painted shut.
As useless as an immersion heater switch nobody understands.
As useless as a fuse box in a cupboard behind the coats.
As useless as a set of curtains that stop six inches short.
As useless as a doorbell that plays sixteen tunes and none of them audible.
As useless as a village noticeboard with one drawing pin.
As useless as a seaside town in the rain with the arcade shut.
As useless as a chip shop with the fryer off at four.
As useless as a pub quiz with a picture round photocopied twice.
As useless as a raffle prize of a bottle of sherry from 1994.
As useless as a garden fete with the tombola locked in a car.
As useless as a weather app in the Peak District.

Why the British ones land hardest

Because the form is built for a culture that does not complain directly. “As useless as a conservatory in January” is a complaint about a room, the weather, the money spent and the person who suggested it, delivered as a remark about glass. That compression is the whole trick, and it is why the good ones survive for a century while the rude versions are forgotten in a fortnight.

Next: the complete fifty for the classics, the weirdly specific thirty for the long ones, and the reader-ranked version over at gotlines.com for the same family with votes attached.