You’re As Useless As… 40 Ways to Finish the Sentence

The sentence starts itself. Somebody says “you’re as useless as” and then stops, because the ending is the hard part and everybody reaches for the chocolate teapot. Here are forty endings that are not the chocolate teapot, arranged so you can take one and go.

A note on aim, because it matters. On this site the comparison lands on the object, not the person. Said to a friend who has just failed to open a jar, it is a joke. Said to somebody having a bad day, it is just an insult wearing a costume. The ending you choose decides which one it is: the funnier and more specific the object, the more obviously the sentence is about the thing rather than the human.

You’re as useless as…

1. a chocolate teapot with a leak in it.
2. a screen door in a rowing boat.
3. a torch with no bulb.
4. a kettle with no lid at a tea break.
5. a spare tyre with no air.
6. a jump lead with one clip.
7. a satnav that only knows one town.
8. a phone on two per cent battery.
9. an umbrella with three spokes.
10. a raincoat with no sleeves.
11. a shovel with a bent handle.
12. a wheelbarrow with a square wheel.
13. a ladder with the top four rungs missing.
14. a tape measure that stops at eight inches.
15. a spirit level with no bubble.
16. a saw with the teeth filed flat.
17. a hammer with a sponge head.
18. a screwdriver with a rounded tip.
19. a drill with no charger.
20. a paint roller with no sleeve.

21. a lawnmower with no blade.
22. a hosepipe with a knot in the middle.
23. a watering can with no spout.
24. a broom with the bristles worn to the wood.
25. a dustpan with no brush.
26. a bin bag with a hole in the bottom.
27. a lock with the key snapped off inside it.
28. a car with no reverse gear.
29. a bicycle with both brakes on.
30. a bus timetable from last year.
31. a train ticket for yesterday.
32. a boarding pass with no flight.
33. a hotel key card that has been near a phone.
34. a passport with the photo peeled off.
35. a wallet with nothing in it but receipts.
36. an ATM with a queue and no notes.
37. a shopping list left on the kitchen table.
38. a coupon that expired in March.
39. a warranty that ran out last week.
40. an alarm clock set for the wrong day.

Delivering it without it landing wrong

Say it slower than feels natural and let the object do the work. The best of these have a small story inside them — a tape measure that stops at eight inches implies a person who has measured seven inches of something and given up. That implied story is the joke. Rush it and you are left with the word “useless”, which nobody has ever laughed at.

More of the same family: the complete fifty, the office edition for working hours, and the reader-ranked version over at gotlines.com if you want to see which endings strangers vote for.