An anti-joke takes a familiar setup — one your brain has already finished for you — and then answers it honestly. The laugh, when there is one, comes from the gap between the punchline you were expecting and the flat correct sentence you got instead. It is the most useless joke form in existence, which makes this its natural home.
Thirty below. They are best deployed one at a time, in a group that has been telling normal jokes, ideally after somebody has just done a good one.
Thirty with the punchline removed
- Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side of the road.
- Knock knock. Who’s there? The postman. He has a parcel for you and needs a signature.
- What is brown and sticky? A stick, covered in mud.
- A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks it to leave, as horses are not permitted on the premises.
- How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? One. He has done this before and owns a stepladder.
- What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Unconscious, and in need of an ambulance.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? There is no award. He is a scarecrow.
- What is the difference between a duck? A duck is a bird. There is no second item in this comparison.
- Two men walk into a bar. The second one saw it and stepped over it.
- Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because it is where their food is.
- What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick, thrown at speed.
- Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. That is a recognised delusional symptom and we should talk about it properly.
- What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Nothing. Fish cannot speak.
- Why was six afraid of seven? Numbers are abstract concepts and do not experience fear.
- What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? Nothing. They are not genetically compatible.
- How do you make a Swiss roll? You cannot. It is a cake.
- What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot does not sound like a parrot. Nothing does except a parrot.
- Why did the man fall down the well? He could not see it, as it was dark and unmarked, which is a serious council matter.
- What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to assess the fence for structural damage.
- Why did the coffee taste like mud? It was ground four days ago and left in the pot.
- What is green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
- Where does a general keep his armies? In an office, on paper, subject to parliamentary approval.
- What do you call a boomerang that does not come back? A stick, still technically a boomerang, just badly thrown.
- Why did the bicycle fall over? The kickstand was not down and there was a light wind.
- How do you catch a unique rabbit? You do not. Unique rabbits do not exist; all rabbits are broadly similar.
- What is the best thing about Switzerland? The healthcare system is excellent and the trains are punctual.
- Why don’t skeletons fight each other? Skeletons are inanimate. They cannot fight anybody.
- What did the ocean say to the beach? Oceans have no vocal apparatus.
- Why was the maths book sad? It was not. Books have no interior life.
- What is the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a badly dressed man on a bicycle? Attire, and one wheel.
Getting away with it
Anti-jokes need absolute sincerity. You are not signalling that you know it is not funny — that ruins it entirely. Deliver the answer as though it is the answer, hold the pause, and let somebody else be the first to say “that’s not a joke”. The correct response to that objection is to agree with them, warmly, and offer another one.
They also work as a rescue. If a joke has died in a group, following it immediately with an anti-joke converts the silence into the point. For the comparison version of the same instinct, take the fifty as useless as sayings, or the useless one-liners.