One-Liners

30 Useless One-Liners That Still Kill

By Posted on
Time to Read:-words
a switched-on torch lying on a sunlit windowsill

A useless one-liner is not a failed one-liner. It is a joke that refuses to be about anything — no target, no moral, no observation you could repeat as an insight. It exists, it takes four seconds, and then it is gone. That is the highest form available to us here.

Thirty below. They are built for the flat delivery: no run-up, no “here’s one”, no eye contact until afterwards.

Thirty that do nothing, well

a switched-on torch lying on a sunlit windowsill

  1. I bought a self-help book on procrastination. It arrives whenever.
  2. My smoke alarm has one job and it does it every time I cook, which is technically a success.
  3. I have a photographic memory. It has never been developed and the shop has closed.
  4. I tried to organise a hide and seek league. Good players are hard to find.
  5. I told my plant it was doing well. It has since become insufferable.
  6. My phone autocorrects my apologies into threats, which has streamlined my friendships.
  7. I keep a spare key in a very safe place. I would tell you where, but I have not found it either.
  8. I have started measuring distance in kettles boiled. The shop is two kettles away.
  9. I bought a book on time travel. It was overdue when I bought it.
  10. My step counter counts steps I have not taken, which feels generous of it.
  11. I have a drawer that contains one of everything and a pair of nothing.
  12. I applied for a job as a mirror. They said they would look into it and never came back.
  13. I have taken up minimalism. I now own one of each thing I do not need.
  14. My satnav has developed opinions about my route home and I no longer argue.
  15. I keep meaning to fix the door. It opens now for anyone who believes in it.

a single old office printer under a desk lamp in an empty room

  1. I have a jar of screws that fit nothing and I am not throwing it away, because that is how they get you.
  2. My umbrella works perfectly in dry weather.
  3. I bought a jigsaw with one piece. It is quick, and it is not satisfying.
  4. I have a to-do list with one item and it says Write a to-do list.
  5. My printer only works when a witness is present.
  6. I have started arriving early so I can wait somewhere warmer.
  7. I told my dog to sit. He considered it and filed it for later.
  8. My kettle and my toaster have agreed never to be ready at the same time.
  9. I have a torch that works only in daylight, which is when I can find it.
  10. I have been on hold so long the music has become nostalgic.
  11. My car makes a noise. The garage says it is fine. The car disagrees.
  12. I have a bag for life that has outlived three of my hobbies.
  13. I bought a shredder to reduce paperwork and now I have paperwork about the shredder.
  14. My smart speaker understands everything except my accent, which is where I keep the instructions.
  15. I have finally achieved work-life balance: both are going badly at the same rate.
See also  30 Funny One-Liner Jokes That Still Land

a jigsaw puzzle box beside one enormous single puzzle piece

How to land them

Say the line and then stop talking. The commonest failure with one-liners is the small explanatory sentence afterwards, which converts a joke into a description of a joke. If it does not land, do not rescue it — a one-liner that dies quietly is a minor event, whereas a one-liner being explained is a hostage situation.

The site’s original thirty one-liners are the shorter, punchier set. For the same energy in comparison form, take the fifty as useless as sayings.