The dad joke is the purest useless joke there is. Nobody has ever been informed, moved or improved by one. Its entire function is to make a room exhale through the nose and then leave. Every other joke wants something; the dad joke wants nothing, which is why it survives.
Thirty below, tested against the only metric that matters — whether the person you told it to says your full name afterwards.
Thirty, at full strength
- I told the kids I was making a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
- The spirit level I bought is fine. I have no idea what to do with it, but I am on the level.
- I asked the librarian if they had books on paranoia. She whispered, They’re right behind you.
- I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I do not know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
- I used to hate facial hair. Then it grew on me.
- My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
- I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I do not know Y.
- Why did the scarecrow get promoted? He was outstanding in his field.
- I was going to tell a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.
- The cyclist could not sleep. He was two tyred.
- I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
- My friend keeps saying cheer up, it could be worse, you could be stuck in a hole full of water. I know he means well.
- I bought a boat because it was for sail.
- What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. The kids have left the room.
- I have a fear of speed bumps. I am slowly getting over it.
- The past, present and future walked into a pub. It was tense.
- I told my son I was named after Thomas Edison. He said, But your name is Brian. I said, Yes, I was named after him.
- Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks golfing? In case they get a hole in one.
- I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I will let you know.
- I would tell you a joke about an elevator, but it works on so many levels.
- My dog used to chase people on a bike. I had to take his bike away.
- I made a pencil with two rubbers on the end. It was pointless.
- The barbecue is not going well, but I am grilling myself over it.
- Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged, and frankly it had it coming.
- I bought some shoes made of banana skins. They were slippers.
- What is brown and sticky? A stick. I did not write this, but I will take the credit.
- I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
- I do not trust stairs. They are always up to something.
- My daughter asked if I could put her shoes on. I said no, they will not fit me.
- I have finished the crossword in the local paper and I would like everyone to know.
The delivery, which is non-negotiable
You must commit. A dad joke delivered apologetically is a small tragedy; the groan is earned by the confidence, not the wordplay. Say it as though you are passing on information. Do not laugh first. Do not say “wait, wait”. And when it lands badly, which it will, simply carry on with what you were doing — the refusal to acknowledge the damage is the second half of the joke.
The site’s original thirty dad jokes are the classics; the useless one-liners are the same idea with the groan removed.