35 As Useless As Jokes: The DIY Edition

Every DIY job in history has ended with a bag of spare screws and a strong opinion about the instructions. That is the terrain here: the shed, the flat-pack, the extension lead that is one metre short of where it needs to be, and the specific despair of a rawlplug that is two sizes too small.

Sibling to the foodie edition, and aimed at anybody who has stood in a hallway at nine on a Sunday evening holding a door that will not fit.

Table of Contents

Thirty-five from the shed

As useless as a spirit level with the bubble stuck at one end.
As useless as a tape measure that has lost its hook.
As useless as a pencil behind the ear of a man with a beard.
As useless as a chisel with the edge rolled over.
As useless as a plane with the blade in backwards.
As useless as sandpaper worn smooth.
As useless as a paintbrush left in a tin over winter.
As useless as a roller with no tray.
As useless as masking tape that peels the paint with it.
As useless as a dust sheet with a rip down the middle.
As useless as filler that shrinks more than the hole.
As useless as a rawlplug two sizes small.
As useless as a screw with the head stripped.
As useless as a nail bent flat against the wall.
As useless as a hammer with a loose head.
As useless as a saw with a kink in the blade.
As useless as a drill bit that only turns one way.

As useless as a hole saw with no pilot bit.
As useless as an extension lead one metre short of the socket.
As useless as a work light pointing at your own eyes.
As useless as a stepladder with the paint tin on the top step.
As useless as a wallpaper table in a hallway.
As useless as a pasting brush with three bristles.
As useless as grout that dries the colour of the tile.
As useless as a tile cutter with a blunt wheel.
As useless as a plumb line in a gale.
As useless as a stud finder that finds every stud.
As useless as a socket set with the ten missing.
As useless as an Allen key for the one bolt you have already tightened.
As useless as instructions with the diagrams in the wrong order.
As useless as a flat-pack with two left doors.
As useless as the spare bag of screws at the end.
As useless as a manual that says Consult a professional on page one.
As useless as a warranty void sticker you have already broken.
As useless as a skip that arrives the day after you finish.

Delivery notes

DIY jokes work best said to somebody holding the tool. There is a particular flatness required — no glee. You are commiserating, not gloating, and the comparison is the polite English way of saying “that was never going to work” without saying it. Deliver it, hand them the correct size, say nothing else.

More in the same vein: the complete fifty and the tech edition, which covers the drawer where the drill charger should be.